The Princess and the Subatomic Particle
by Raincloud
Summary: Tortalian take-off on the well-known fairy tale. Completed at last.
1. Default Chapter

This was a story I started a few years ago, before I knew about Fanfiction.net. I recently found the beginning of it. Some of it has been lost forever, and the rest was unfinished, but I know have plans to finish and try to find the rest of it. It is of course a take off from the popular fairy tale with a few Tortalian and sci-fi twists. Don't worry if you've been reading Stella; I have plans to finish it and this shouldn't get in the way too much. Of course, the locations and some of the characters belong to Tamora Pierce-parts of the plot belong to some long ago storyteller as well. And now, the feature presentation:  
  
The Princess and the Subatomic Particle  
  
Emperor Kadar had a serious problem: all his royal advisors wanted him to marry a princess. He wasn't very enthusiastic about this but he had to because it would help secure his position on the throne. He hadn't even wanted to be emperor, it meant there was a lot expected of him, and had been forced into the position. But now that he was here his life depended upon being a good ruler.  
  
He sat in conference sighing resignedly as his advisors argued over how to choose the perfect princess. They ruled out the one with the fairest skin because of the intense sun in Carthak. They then decided against the cleverest one for fear that she would attempt to take the throne. On and on it went. Kaddar put his arms on the table and fell asleep unnoticed. Half the advisors were in favor of forming an alliance with the marriage, the others were all rather old fashioned and insisted that the most sensitive princess would be perfect.  
  
This argument lasted for days. It only ended when Kaddar got up and said "why don't you invite all the princesses whose marriages could be used to form alliances and find out which one of them is the most sensitive." They all thought that this was a marvelous idea and suddenly all of them had been just about to say just that. They began making a list of princesses to invite. They selected princesses from the Yamanis, Tuisane, Galla, Scanra, and last but not least Tortall. Then another argument was started (the royal advisors argue so much because they are paid by the hour.) The royal advisors were completely unable to decide how to judge which princess was the most sensitive.  
  
Again this argument lasted for days-Kaddar had to lower the hourly pay of the advisors in order to keep the palace supplied with food-and was only ended when an old and faithful advisor (you know, the one with white hair and a long white beard) stood up and said "when I was young my grandfather told me a story of a princess who was sensitive enough to detect a pea underneath one hundred mattresses." It was agreed that one by one the princesses would be invited and each one would be given a bedding arrangement with a flaw. The first princess to detect the most miniscule flaw would marry Kaddar.  
  
Kaddar went fuming out to archery practice. He was thinking about his arrangement and how he didn't like it one bit. He would have to marry some extremely sensitive princess who would probably scream if she saw a mouse. Not to mention the fact that he would have to raise the pay of the royal healer in order to accommodate all the skin rashes and bruises she was likely to develop.  
  
Sign # 1 that you are a bookworm: You have memorized the layout of your house and school so that you can walk from place to place without having to stop reading. Thank you for reading and please, please, please, please, review! 


	2. A Visit

Welcome, brave reader, to a story that isn't K/N or K/J or K/D fluff. Of course the location and some of the characters still belong to Tamora Pierce, may she write many more books set in Tortall.  
  
Returning to his councilors later that afternoon, Kadar found them arguing about what the smallest object placed beneath the mattresses should be. Kadar had to separate the two old councilors-who were attempting to strangle each other with their extremely long beards-before he shouted for silence.  
  
"Now," he called, once the riot had calmed into a dull rumble, "we need to decide what object it should be. Each of you can stand up and tell me which object you choose and why you have chosen it, and then I will make the final decision." This shocked the room into silence, according to the old traditions the advisors were to remain in complete control with the emperor only as a token figure until the emperor reached his mid-thirties. All the advisors, and there were quite a few of them, could remember Kadar in diapers and they didn't like taking orders from him even if he was the emperor. So they promptly picked up their shouts where they had left them off-mid word in a few cases-and continued, completely ignoring Kadar.  
  
"Grain of sand!"  
  
"Rice!"  
  
"Flour!"  
  
"Your rule highness Emperor Kadar, it is my humble opinion that in order to select the most sensitive princess possible, which we have previously decided is essential for the continuation of the ruling line and, or course the government of Carthak, it is necessary that we procure and place under the mattresses of the prospective princess a single crystal of extra-fine sugar." This last comment had come in multiple installments as the shouter- a long winded advisor in whose humble opinion run-on sentences made one appear wise-had needed to stop and regain his breath several times. After this Kadar sank down to his seat in despair, pulled a clump of wax from his pocket, and fashioned ear plugs for himself before settling down for a long afternoon nap. ....................................  
  
Kadar was jerked from a wonderful dream of firing all his councilors by a shrill scream, one that was only made bearable by the wax in his ears.  
  
"Silence!"  
  
For the first and last time in their life-long careers the councilors were actually silent. Well, not entirely silent-all of them were gripping their ears and whimpering in pain after the sharpness of the yell. Most of them were cowering underneath the table.  
  
Kadar jumped out of his slump and found himself face to face with the Graveyard Hag. He swallowed in fear as she winked at him. Then she turned her attention back to the councilors and her countenance immediately became grumpy again.  
  
"Now," she yelled, and Kadar was glad he still had his earplugs in, "you are all probably wondering why I have come to pay you a visit." All of the councilors broke into fervent nodding. "I have come because all of you idiots have been making an absolute mess of things." The councilors glanced at each other guiltily. "Not you, dear Kadar," she said, smiling at him in a way that made shivers run down his spine. "I have decided it is time for me to take the matter into my hands."  
  
The councilors looked at each other nervously. One of them began scribbling furiously at scroll with the words "last will and testament" on top. Kadar hoped she was still pleased with him. He had tried to restore all of her old temples after taking the throne, but he felt he might have missed a small one. She smiled at him again; all right, he thought, I didn't miss one.  
  
"None of you," she continued, glaring under the tables, "has the slightest idea what the smallest object ought to be." One of the braver ones opened his mouth to stammer a protest but the man next to him clamped a hand over his mouth-unfortunately for him, duck tape had yet to be invented. "The smallest object must be a sub- atomic particle." Here, she paused to allow them to scratch their heads, seeming almost amused at the amount of dandruff falling to the floor. "This, of course, requires the splitting of an atom, a task which I will gladly perform when the time is right."  
  
"Er, thank you," said Kadar. What should one say when a god offers to do one a favor? He asked himself. He'd have to find a way to upgrade the etiquette curriculum for royal children.  
  
"No trouble at all, dear." Squeaking loudly, a rat scurried up to the Graveyard Hag. She held it in her cupped hand and murmured something Kadar couldn't hear into its ear before releasing it.  
  
"Now, you," she gestured to one of the younger, more athletic councilors, i.e. his hair wasn't entirely grey and he walked without a cane. "Go invite princess Brunhilda." He saluted and left the room at a trot. It was the fastest he'd moved in ten years.  
  
Then with a sound like a hyena howling, she vanished. Kadar breathed a sign of relief and called for order. For the first time in his life, the councilors actually obeyed him. Kadar had to hold back a burst of laughter as he realized that some of them had lost their wigs during the encounter.  
  
After a mere twenty-two and a half minutes or argument, it was decided that an object large enough to be easily noticed should be placed underneath one mattress as a preliminary test. They asserted that it should be a beautiful object so that the princess would think it was a surprise gift and not be insulted. If the princess passed the first test a meeting would be held to determine what the second object should be.  
  
After another seventeen and two thirds minutes it was decided that a perfectly round semi-precious stone would be placed under one ostrich- feather-mattress. Kadar selected a large stone that fit perfectly in his grip. The princess would have to be a troll not to notice it.  
  
Thank you for reading something other than an Alanna-goes-to-the- convent story. Reviews are very much appreciated.  
  
Sign # 2 that you are a book worm: In art class, you suddenly find yourself sketching scenes from the last book you read when you are supposed to be taking notes on pottery technique. 


	3. Princess Brunhilda

The location and some of the characters belong to Tamora Pierce.  
  
Two weeks later, the castle was in an uproar of preparation. Princess Brunhilda has accepted the invitation and agreed to come with a small delegation immediately. Kadar himself selected a suite of modest but comfortable chambers and instructed a discreet servant to place the selected stone-which greatly resembled a globe-underneath the princess's mattress the day she arrived.  
  
....................................  
  
Kadar yawned and wiped sweat off his face for the fourth time in seven minutes. He was wearing a particularly stylish (and thus particularly uncomfortable) court robe and waiting to greet princess Brunhilda in the throne room.  
  
Finally, the sound of bugling reached his ears. He sighed in relief, hoping that after a few minutes discussion he could courteously-and conveniently-allow the princess to bathe and refresh herself before supper was served.  
  
"Announcing her Royal Highness, Princess Brunhilda of Scranra," called the herald. Princess Brunhilda entered the room in regal procession and Kadar's jaw dropped.  
  
"I hope for your sake she's as thick-skinned as she looks," whispered Kadar's friends, Hachel. Kadar normally admired truthful sentiments from his friends but at this statement his mind went to work planning things to put in his friends bed and his thinking ran more along the lines of slimly and squirmy than small and delicate.  
  
He looked at Princess Brunhilda again, just to make sure his eyes weren't deceiving him. They weren't. She looked to be somewhere between three hundred and three hundred and fifty pounds. She had scraggily browning grayish hair that was unattractively greasy looking. A single gigantic eyebrow, as fuzzy as a caterpillar, graced her pimpled forehead. As she came closer Kadar could see that her nose was covered in warts. She seemed to have a mustache bushier than the one Kadar had tried to cultivate the previous summer. Kadar wanted to run away screaming.  
  
Kadar wondered which councilor he ought to fire for even suggesting that he marry her. Kadar tried to keep an open mind and judge people by their personalities but she was really ugly. He wondered why he had heard rumors that she was extremely popular at court. When he saw a few of the noble-women accompanying her he understood. None of them were ugly, all of them were quite plain, but next to her they all looked drop dead gorgeous.  
  
Kadar escaped from the throne room as soon as he could to weep in terror in his room before dinner. He prayed to every god he could think of, and a few that he had made up, that she wasn't the least bit sensitive.  
  
At dinner Kadar discovered that while she was well-read and fairly intelligent, she had an awful sense of humor and the table-manners of a Stormwing. Kadar spent the evening trying to avoid being treated to a close- up demo of the early stages of the digestive system and trying to catch the wine glasses she knocked over with her enormous elbows before too much spilled. Kadar had to order the room to be aired out after the princess and her gaseous emissions went to bed.  
  
Kadar nearly fainted with relief when the princess mentioned nothing about the stone the next morning. After a spy reported that the stone was exactly where it had been left-this wasn't challenging because the lump in the mattress was so high that Kadar was amazed Brunhilda hadn't seen it-it was decided to send her home as soon as was politely possible.  
  
Thank you for reading and please review.  
  
Sign # 3 that you are a bookworm: You definitely need a new book case because your books are stacked up three rows to a shelf but all of your walls are covered in bookshelves already. 


	4. Princess Gwyneth

Please note that I mean no offense to any blonds. I know quite a few highly intelligent blonds, but I couldn't help putting a dumb blond in the story. One must admit that Princess Gwyneth lacks the usual number of brain cells. Of course, the location and some of the characters belong to Tamora Pierce.  
  
Fortunately, it wasn't necessary to think of a polite way to uninvite Princess Brunhilda. Her father sent a messenger pigeon summoning her home immediately because her brother, who was in line for the throne, had fallen deathly ill.  
  
All Kadar had to do was offer his condolences and express his deep-deep being a relative term-regret that she was leaving so soon. Kadars friends congratulated him on a lucky save and he toyed with the idea of having his head advisor boiled in oil but decided against it for fear of ruining his reputation with his people.  
  
The council had a long debate ( 76 hours and 27 minutes) before deciding to invite Princess Gwyneth of Scrana. Kadar locked himself in a temple, fasting and praying for hours in the hopes that the gods would be merciful and Gwyneth would be nothing like Brunhilda. Kadar's friends began making vague plans for a surprise bachelor party.  
  
Two weeks later, the second princess arrived. Kadar was seated in the throne room in another unbearably fashionable suit (this one had hundreds of tiny bells attached to it and was terribly noisy) yawning and sweating as he waited for the herald to announce her arrival.  
  
Princess Gwyneth entered with regal fanfare and this time, instead of offering his friend sympathy, Hachel raised his eyebrows in approval ( it was considered a terrible breach of etiquette to whistle at a princess).  
  
Kadar looked at Gwyneth and decided to give the councilor who had suggested inviting her raise. She was a short, slender, and blond, with an amply endowed bosom. She was rather unpopular at court because she made everyone else look plain in comparison. Kadar hoped she was sensitive.  
......  
  
At dinner Kadar changed his mind entirely about hoping she was sensitive and become seriously concerned about the inbreeding of royalty. Princess Gwyneth was the most vapid minded individual he had ever met and, having lived a life at court, he had met quite a few vapid minded individuals. Kadar was amazed that a functional-or at least apparently functional-human being could be so dull witted.  
  
She confused Kadar with the ruler of Gala. Then, after tasting the venison, complemented Kadar on his chef's preparation of chicken. Her parents must have coached her to compliment him because she couldn't stop. She seemed to think she would appeared witty if she giggled after every comment. So that their dinner conversation-if it could be called that- continued as follows:  
  
Kadar: "How would you like to visit the royal zoo tomorrow?"  
  
Gwyneth: "Tee-hee-hee, my, you're handsome, tee-hee-hee!"  
  
Kadar: "I could show you all of the beautiful birds."  
  
Gwyneth: "Tee-hee-hee, no that's all right, I've already tasted them." Here, she pointed daintily at her venison with her knife.  
  
Kadar fervently hoped that she didn't have the brain cells required to notice the large stone under her mattress.  
  
After the final course, Kadar wished Princess Gwyneth a good night-he actually hoped that she would have one, completely undisturbed by large rocks-and she giggled in response. Kadar went to the archery range and made a few hundred shots to calm down. Hachel joined him to offer mock sympathy. Hachel left a few minutes later, fearful that Kadar would carry out his royal threat of getting him married to the ancient, unmarried daughter of a particularly pompous lord.  
  
....................................  
  
Gwyneth joined Kadar for a late breakfast the next morning. Kadar swallowed sharply as she entered the room looking haggard and drawn. She hadn't slept well, she told him, and giggled.  
  
"But it was such a lovely bed, I can't imagine why, tee-hee-hee." The princess concluded somewhere deep within her pea-sized brain that the chicken she had eaten must have disagreed with her.  
  
Kadar sighed with relief as he realized that she hadn't discovered the stone. The Princess's delegation left that afternoon, murmuring about the harmful effects of foreign food.  
  
Hope you enjoyed it. There won't be any updates for two weeks, but after that there will be a stretch of frequent updates.  
  
Sign # 4 that you are a bookworm: You swear by Tortalian Gods. 


	5. Princess Helene

Of course, the location and some of the characters belong to Tamora Pierce.  
  
The next morning the council met to determine which princess should be invited next. Kadar spent the morning with his nose as scrunched as possible, trying to ignore the garlic fumes wafting from the mouth of the nearest councilor. After three hours and five shouting matches it was agreed-at least by over half of the stubborn old men-that Princess Helene should be invited to stay.  
  
Three weeks later she arrived. There was little commotion at her entrance; people seemed to have given up hope in the sensitivity of princesses. Only Kadar, and a few councilors he couldn't get rid off and friends he had begged to stay were in the throne room. It was just as well, because Princess Helene had a smaller entourage than the other two.  
  
Kadar barely dared to look as she entered the room. When he finally forced himself to raise his eyes he found himself looking on a plump, blue-eyed brunette of medium height. She was pretty but not gorgeous. She would have looked plain next to Princess Gwyneth and stunning next to Brunhilda.  
  
Princess Helene curtsied gracefully, hiccupped, and then greeted Kadar politely. He answered her greeting, and, seeing that she appeared to have a particularly violent case of the hiccups, sent her to her suite to refresh herself before supper.  
  
"She didn't seem so bad," Hachel whispered to Kadar as soon as the party was out of sight.  
  
"Neither did the last one until she came to dinner," Kadar replied grimly. Hachel winced in sympathy.  
  
"At least she isn't an eyesore."  
  
This time Kadar didn't bother to pray or ask favors of the gods, he hated to think what would happen if they took him seriously. He dressed (or rather submitted awkwardly to being dressed in) a horribly itchy outfit and marched down the stairs to greet the princess for dinner.  
  
She was beautifully attired in a gown of golden silk but she still had the hiccups. She would squeak and jerk with them a few times every minute. Kadar offered her a glass of water but it seemed to be of little or no help. Kadar gritted his teeth and prepared himself for an evening of annoying noises.  
  
Other than her occasional hiccups, which seemed to diminish slightly as the evening wore on, Princess Helene was a most charming companion. She was well-mannered and witty, truly witty not just giggling with every word. She had a well modulate voice and an excellent education. In between her hiccups Kadar found himself wondering if he wouldn't mind marrying her. Not only could this Princess distinguish poultry from venison, she could compliment him on the quality of specific spices.  
  
Kadar wished her a good night after the final course and told her to meet him the next morning for breakfast and a tour of the royal zoo. She agreed happily and walked away hiccupping.  
  
She looked weary at breakfast the next morning and explained that her hiccups had kept her awake most of the evening.  
  
"By the way," she told him, "Thank you for the beautiful paperweight." She held out the stone that had been underneath her mattress. "I've never seen a stone like this; it was so sweet of you to surprise me."  
  
Kadar, Hachel and Helene spent the morning in the zoo. Kadar found another point in Helene's favor: she got along well with his friend, a very rare talent. Helene's hiccups were still troubling her so Hachel and Kadar took it in turns to try to frighten them out of her. One of them would slowly sneak ahead or behind the group and then jump out suddenly with a loud shout. After the first few shocks, Helene found it very entertaining and the procedure created an epidemic of laughter instead of curing the troubling case of hiccups.  
  
Kadar spent the afternoon watching (he couldn't hear much because of the wax in his ears) his councilors debate over what to place beneath the mattress of Princess Helene. Several screaming matches broke out and death threats were delivered to some of the more talkative advisors ( unfortunately for Kadar and other unfortunate listeners Duct tape had yet to be invented and people had to rely on the unpleasant hand-over-mouth method or on the expensive alternative of silencing charms). Finally it was decided (by the councilors, not by Kadar) that a carved ivory figure about the size of a toe was to be place beneath the ostrich feather mattress. Kadar went to the royal treasury to select a bird carving he thought she would particularly enjoy. The princess detected the carving beneath her mattress but nothing smaller. She left at the end of the week, still hiccupping. Kadar was sorry to see her go, but at the same to glad that he wouldn't have to live with a woman who hiccupped every few moments. His nerves were strained by a only a few days in her company; a year would likely drive him mad.  
  
Kadar and Princess Helene stayed in contact for the rest of their lives, exchanging letters of advice and suggestions on curing the hiccups. The stone he had hidden beneath her mattress served loyally as a paperweight on her desk. He sent her a carving to match the first after hearing that her hiccups had finally ended. Princess Helene, however, married a different Prince, forcing the councilors to hold a meeting early the next morning.  
  
Sign # 5 that you are a bookworm: Instead of threatening to revoke your TV privileges, your parents threaten to confiscate your books.  
  
Thank you for reading and please review. 


	6. Princess Petunia

Of course, the location and some of the characters belong to Tamora Pierce. Enjoy!  
  
Five weeks later Kadar found himself waiting in the throne room for the arrival of yet another princess. This time the councilors had chosen Princess Petunia of Tusaine. Kadar had seen her once at a state affair when he was seven and she was five. He had pulled her hair and she had pinched him. He didn't feel that his earlier meeting with her boded well for their relationship. But then, it had taken a good hard yank at her hair to get her to scream, so maybe she wasn't very sensitive.  
  
The fact that Princess Helene had actually detected a few objects had gotten people excited about the project again so Petunia had a more regal greeting than Helene had received. She was petite and plain and Hachel didn't have a comment for Kadar beyond "Why would a sweet little boy like you want to pull her hair?" to which Kadar said something along the lines of "maybe because my demonic friend dared me to."  
  
At dinner Petunia began to get on Kadar's nerves. She was completely paranoid. It seemed that she lived in a constant fear of assignation attempts, rebellions, plagues, wars, serial killers, and spiders. Kadar had never even considered half the things she was afraid of. Dinner conversation continued as follows:  
  
Kadar: "I hope you will enjoy the humble repast my home may provide"  
  
Petunia: "I'm not taking a bite until my poison-tester has sampled everything."  
  
Kadar: "Would you care to dance after dinner?"  
  
Petunia: "Oh, I couldn't possibly go beneath that beam in the ceiling. An archer could be waiting there to shoot me."  
  
Kadar: "Would you care for some white wine?"  
  
Petunia: "Was that servant here before? Great Goddess he has a knife! Are you sure he isn't dangerous?'  
  
Kadar: "He's been here my entire life and as far as I know the only thing he has harmed is a cheap glass statue which I always hated anyway. He probably has a knife because he is going to carve the meat."  
  
Petunia: "Eek! A spider. It'll bite me." Here she went into hysterics and wouldn't be calmed until one of her ladies-in-waiting carefully pointed out that it was only a piece of black lace from someone's gown.  
  
Kadar spent the evening wondering how he could get rid of her and resisting the temptation she give her curly black hair a good yank. Then she got something in her nose and sneezed; after the sneeze she immediately decided she had a potentially fatal illness and must take to her bed immediately.  
  
Kadar wished her goodnight and promised to send a healer by in the morning before breakfast. Then he escaped to the archery practice field where he shot arrows by lantern-light, each time pretending he was shooting through Petunia's head. The archery practice had little effect on his mood (or perhaps he stayed in a bad mood because he missed several shots) and he went to bed grumpy.  
  
Hours later, a sudden scream woke him from his nightmare ( in which he had been sitting and eating dinner with Petunia, Gwyneth , and Brunhilda and had suddenly caught a terrible case of the hiccups.) Kadar sat up in bed, hiccupped, shuddered, yawned, and threw a robe on over his clothes before hurrying down the hall. Princess Petunia's screams were filling the entire palace.  
  
"Spies! Murderers! Assassins! Killers!"  
  
Kadar broke into a run. Knocking at the Princess's door, he made an unfortunate discovery. Apparently, Petunia had rolled over the stone beneath her mattress in the middle of the night and become convinced it was some sort of death-charm which would kill her through continued contact. Kadar had to publicly humiliate himself by explaining to her that it was a surprise gift. He needn't have bothered; she didn't believe him.  
  
The Princess's delegations left early the next morning. Petunia chose to have breakfast aboard ship rather than risk poison in the palace. Kadar wasn't sorry to see her leave. He put on a resigned smile and headed off to a meeting in order to decide which princess the invite next.  
  
Sign # 6 that you are a bookworm: You have become an expert book smuggler and you manage to bring a paperback to every pointless assembly you are forced to attend.  
  
Thank you for reading and please review. 


	7. Princess Katrina

Of course, the location and some of the characters belong to Tamora Pierce.  
  
At the meeting a conclusion was reached. This was that it was going to be difficult to find the sort of princess they were looking for. After a great deal of argument over whether or not it would be suitable to invite some duchesses or baronesses a solution of a kind was reached. A large number of Princesses names would be placed in a hat and Kadar would draw a name from the hat each time it was decided that a new princess was needed. No one noticed the strange new servant during the meeting because everyone was too busy debating, therefore no one could notice that he left Carthak that afternoon, therefore no one could note that this was unusual and suspicious.  
  
Kadar sighed resignedly before he obediently stuck his hand in the hat and pulled out a name. He swallowed once and then read the name aloud. "Princess Katrina". He didn't recognize the name which meant that he probably hadn't pulled her hair as a child. At least he was off to a better start.  
  
Hoping Katrina wouldn't be paranoid, he arranged for a stone to be placed under her mattress.  
  
................................  
  
Kadar was plastered to the throne, gritting his teeth with agonizing trepidation. Hachel was seated calmly nearby, smiling faintly in anticipation of the night's entertainment and opportunities for sarcasm. Then, as with the previous princess's, the herald announced the presence of Princess Katrina.  
  
This princess was attended by a large entourage and it was nearly half an hour before Kadar actually caught a glimpse of her. She was a tall, elegant-looking redhead, a hair to freckly to be a beauty but rather charming all the same. She seemed very self-conscious as she walked awkwardly up to the throne and Kadar was about to discover why.  
  
Katrina moved to curtsy before Kadar and promptly fell flat on her face. Kadar bit the inside of his lip until it bled and winced (partly in sympathy: it was a marble floor). None of the ladies-in-waiting seemed at all shocked that their princess had fallen. Katrina appeared quite unhurt; within seconds she had picked herself up and apologized for her lack of grace.  
  
Kadar regally accepted her apology and proceeded to invite her to dinner. She accepted and was escorted to the guest chambers; she tripped three times on the way out.  
  
"You're just not having much luck are you?" Hachel murmured. Kadar, who really should have considered an anger management class, lost control. Hachel, who was ordinarily a graceful individual, found himself face down on the floor. He had a sudden rush of sympathy for Katrina.  
  
"Touchy, touchy," Hachel drawled at the glaring Kadar, before leaving his friend to brood.  
  
A few hours later Kadar greeted Katrina at the entrance to the great hall. His first act was to help her to regain balance after she slipped in one of her dainty embroidered slippers. Fortunately, he managed to get her to the table without further incident. Getting her seated, however, was another matter. She ended up knocking the chair over four times and putting a scratches on the floor and the furniture, both expensive.  
  
She was a sweet and witty, if awkward, conversationalist but Kadar felt that dining with her was taking a great toll on his patience and on the supply of glassware (she had broken two wine goblets by the time the third course was served.) The linen ware also suffered casualties; the princess spilled red wine on over a dozen white napkins and a beautiful snow-white table cloth.  
  
After dinner came the dancing. Kadar found it an act of enormous will to keep from bursting into tears and demanding a new partner (actually it might have worked, the older counselors were accustomed to giving in to temper tantrums.) He pleaded a headache and escaped to his room when his toes became so bruised that walking was an excruciatingly painful act. He spent the night resting his feet on a pillow and hoping the princess knocked the stone out of the bed and didn't notice it.  
  
Kadar arrived at breakfast yawning and bleary eyed. There, he discovered Katrina buttering a roll. She leaped up to great him and managed to knock over her chair, pull the tablecloth askew, yank down a pitcher of fruit juice, and throw her roll into Hachel's forehead ( he had agreed to meet Kadar there to provide moral support.) She apologized for the mess and thanked Kadar profusely for the pretty stone.  
  
Luckily for Kadar, Katrina possessed only ordinary powers of perception, and after a week of detecting progressively smaller objects she failed to detect a glass bead. Kadar was relieved to see her go. He spent a week in his room recovering from dancing with the princess.  
  
Sign # 7 that you are a bookworm: All of your passwords are the names of your favorite characters.  
  
Thank you for reading and please review. 


	8. Kally

It's been a crazy summer, but finally, after four months without  
internet, I have returned to writing. I should be able to write more  
frequently----how many times have I said that?---- but unfortunately I  
think it's going to be a crazy year. I get Stella going again to soon but  
I've just had your typical type A bad day in high school----you know the  
one that starts when you wake up 20 minutes late, proceeds through to  
double chem. Lab and ends with a miserable sports practice----so I though I  
had better write comedy. Of course, the location and some of the characters  
belong to Tamora Pierce.  
  
While Kadar was in his room, allowing his feet to recover from their abuse,  
Hachel was sent in with the Princesses names (the councilors sent him  
because they figured that Kadar wouldn't kill his best friend, but he might  
kill one of them). Kadar drew Princess Kalisin's name. He swallowed hard;  
Tortallian women made him nervous.  
  
"I've heard she's attractive," Hachel grinned at Kadar.  
  
"How do you now she hasn't developed a major acne problem?"  
  
"Because Princess Brunhilda is the only princess since the dawn of  
time to have a single pimple," Hachel assured his friend.  
  
Kadar found himself wishing that royal families started breeding for  
brains, grace, personality, and an immunity to the hiccups rather than  
freedom from pimples. He could tolerate a pimple or two so long as the girl  
wasn't convinced that an axe-murderer was lurking around every corner  
waiting for her.  
  
A month later, Kalisin arrived. Kadar chose to greet her ship  
barge as it came in, rather than wait for her in the throne room. He  
thought that maybe if he got the courtship off to a different kind of  
start, things might go more smoothly. He was dead wrong.  
  
Kalisin hadn't expected to be greeted so soon so she hadn't changed  
out of her trousers and into attire more befitting a princess. The  
councilors and even Hachel muttered their disapproval of "foreign rags."  
Kalisin seemed to sense their disapproval and Kadar thought he detected the  
faintest blush of embarrassment on her perfectly shaped face. Kadar,  
however, wasn't entirely sure that he disapproved of her, she was athletic  
and vibrantly attractive and spoke in a confident, direct manner that was  
somehow reassuring.  
  
Kally----as she immediately told Kadar to call her-had arrived early  
in the afternoon so Kadar suggested she might want to rest in her room  
while he went to the archery range with Hachel. At this, Kally smiled  
delightedly and told him that she would be thrilled to join him at practice  
as she was feeling a hair rusty. Kadar managed to turn his grimace of  
horror into a stiff court smile and stutter "W-we would b-be delighted,  
just delighted, to have you join us, Princess, wouldn't we, Hachel?"  
  
"Wha-Oh, yes of course," Hachel thought that Kadar's elbow had left a  
permanent dent in his ribs. He began brainstorming creative ways to stir  
things up at Kadar's wedding celebration should he ever get married.  
  
It proved to be a rather distressing afternoon for both young men.  
Kalisin absolutely trounced them at the practice range. They had both been  
beaten by a female of course, but that had been some years ago and both now  
took comfort in the fact that Daine was far, far away (quite apart from  
humiliating them at archery she had done a great deal of damage to royal  
property.)  
  
"Ah, that was refreshing, wasn't it?" Kally's enthusiasm fell on deaf  
ears (or ears that wished they were deaf anyway). "I always enjoy a  
challenging practice, but I haven't gotten the opportunity very often since  
Daine has been busy with a project in the menagerie lately." Kadar winced,  
he should have known.  
  
Things improved slightly at dinner, Kally didn't knock a single thing  
over and she proved ( as most princesses do) to be a pleasant  
conversationalist (though she and Kadar had a few differences of opinion  
over political matters. During dessert, when Kadar was beginning to  
consider forgiving her for beating him at archery, she challenged him to a  
game of chess. He lost. Kadar went to bed hope that she was as insensitive  
to the stone beneath her mattress as she had been to his manly pride.  
  
As it turned out, he needn't have worried. When he greeted her at  
breakfast she was sweaty from what she called her early morning "stroll", a  
brisk walk of five or six miles. He helped himself to some grapes and asked  
her how she had slept.  
  
"Oh, just wonderfully," she replied her face shining, "I've been  
trying to toughen up for campaigning so I spread a blanket on the floor and  
slept there. I much prefer sleeping on hard surfaces, don't you?"  
  
Kadar blinked and choked on a grape. Hachel took a step backwards. A  
servant dropped a plate. One of the oldest and most revered advisors  
fainted. It took 39 minutes to revive him and his blood pressure was  
permanently elevated. Kalisin was sent home a few days later. Kadar had  
mixed feelings, she had had a tolerable personality but he didn't think he  
could have married a woman who beat him at everything. An emperor had to  
maintain some dignity---- a nearly impossible task with all the advisors he  
ad.  
  
Sign # 8 that you are a bookworm: Your birthday demands are easy for your  
family: gift certificates at your favorite bookstore. It doesn't matter  
that everyone gets you the same thing. 


	9. Princess Sarita

Sorry, about the long break between updates. First there was a rafting trip- a very traumatic experience: me, my class, lots of bad movies, and a seven hour bus ride; then I got a nasty virus and spent all my time outside of school, and most of my time in school, sleeping. Anyway, here's another princess. Enjoy.  
  
Kadar refused to face his advisors for a week after the incident. So they got Hachel to stick his hand into the hat and pull out Princess Sarita. She was invited immediately and Hachel was sent to notify Kadar.  
  
Kadar responded to this betrayal by giving Hachal and his advisors the silent treatment for a week. He knew the behavior was childish, but he had a vague hope that childish behavior would convince his council that he was unprepared for the responsibilities of marriage.  
  
Kadar had to be forcibly stuffed into his dress clothes (fortunately loose clothing was in fashion that week) and dragged down the stairs kicking and screaming to the throne room. By the time Princess Sarita arrived he had resigned himself to the inevitable; he look composed except for the continual twitching of his nose. He stared at the Princess as she entered, swallowing vigorously in apprehension. She was slender, of average height, and possessed the most beautiful red hair that Kadar had seen. Remarkable, for a red head, she didn't have a single freckle.  
  
After a nudge from Hachel, who was thinking that he might have a talent for pulling names out of hat, Kadar sluggishly climbed down from the throne and walked to greet Sarita. He bowed and she curtsied, then, before he could get a word out, she smiled shyly and said "I really need to use the necessary, perhaps you could give me directions."  
  
Kadar pointed the way, struggling to conceal his shock. The princess sprinted for the door. When she returned Kadar had her escorted to her suite of rooms.  
  
"Well," said Hachel "at least you know she can speak up about what she needs." Kadar scowled at his friend. Hachel decided not to continue with his plans for a bachelor party just yet.  
  
A few hours later, Kadar met Sarita for dinner. She used the necessary--- I'd say restroom, but that wouldn't really fit in a fantasy---on the way down to the dining hall. Over appetizers they began a stupid court conversation about the advantages and disadvantages of swans and peacocks as pets. Before the soup was served, she had used the necessary twice. Kadar took advantage of her first trip to change the subject to one that didn't have such a soporific effect on him. After the second trip, he began looking for a polite way to ask her if she should cut down on her water intake (she had already drunk four glasses.)  
  
The soup course was served-just was she needs, thought Kadar, more liquid. After Sarita had complemented him on the talents of his chef-as though this were a great accomplishment on Kadar's part-they began a conversation about theater. Just when Kadar was about to remark that they both shared a passion for comedy she announced that nature was calling.  
  
When she returned, the fish course had arrived. She duly complemented him on his chef and Kadar thanked her with a memorized line. They picked up their conversation about comedy and Kadar was just daring to think the evening might go smoothly, when she said, "I have to attend to the water bill," and scurried off again.  
  
Kadar looked at the clock; it had been seven minutes since her last trip to the necessary. Kadar found himself wondering how she attended state events: none of the guests would take kindly to her leaving them every few minutes. He thought, maybe the councilors would notice her unusual bladder function and send her home.  
  
Princess Sarita made it through the entire meat course without a trip to the necessary, though Kadar thought she looked uncomfortable. As soon as the server had cleared her plate she jumped up, muttering, "I have to see a man about a horse." Kadar requested the salad course and sat back to wait for his dining companion.  
  
Fortunately the chef had made small salads (Kadar wasn't fond of greens). This allowed Sarita to make it through the salad course and the cheese course with only three excursions.  
  
Finally, dessert arrived. It was a magnificent tart with pastry cream and fresh fruit. Sarita confided in Kadar that this was her favorite dessert and they began yet another court conversation. Kadar actually felt sorry for Sarita, with all her interruptions, chances were that she almost never had real conversations with anyone.  
  
Suddenly, Sarita crammed the last few mouthful of tart into her mouth, jumped up, announced, "I must pay a visit to Miss Murphy," and set off for the necessary. While, she was gone, Kadar counted ten empty water glasses at her place. He began to wonder if she was ill or if she had been cursed as a young child.  
  
Kadar needn't have worried. The next morning he discovered that the princess had not discovered the stone that Hachel had placed under her mattress. She had continued to visit the necessary at a rate of approximately once every seven minutes and as a result she had spent very little time actually in bed. Luckily, she had already decided to head back to her palace, where the necessary was much closer to her room, and, in her opinion, much cleaner  
  
As soon as she left, Kadar found Hachel and broke his silent treatment. "I'm choosing the next princess," he told his friend, "you're a terrible matchmaker." Hachel grinned and nodded. Matchmakers were all ugly old women anyway.  
  
Sign # 9 that you are a bookworm: You aren't functional in the morning until you have read for at least 15 minutes and you can't sleep at night until you have read at least 15 minutes.  
  
Thank you for reading and please review! 


	10. Princess Lucille

I can't believe I haven't written since October. School has been an absolute nightmare (it definitely has a negative impact on my immune system). But, I have finally finished by junior paper on the Lewis and Clark expedition, which should be called the Clark and Lewis expedition because Lewis was an alcoholic who spent his time criticizing Indians and Clark was the one who actually got things done. All right, I confess I've spent some time dabbling in poetry and sci-fi too, but really not much.  
  
Hope you enjoy this episode. Credit goes to Tamora Pierce and also to the book A Barrel of Laughs and a Vale of Tears. (I can't praise this book enough. If it's true that laughter works you abdominal muscles reading this book daily for two weeks should give you a six pack.)  
  
For the next princess, the councilors had to corner the servant who was assigned to cleaning the council room. They surrounded her as soon as she entered the room and refused to let her leave until she had pulled a name from the hat. This was even more traumatic than it sounds because the councilors' breakfast had consisted of garlic rolls and goat cheese and their breath was malodorous, to say the least. Fearing she would pass out in the stench, the young woman reached a trembling hand into the hat and clenched her fist around a scrap of paper. Unfortunately, she fainted while pulling her hand from the hat. Her fingers had to be pried apart before the old men could read the name on the crumbled parchment.  
  
After a great deal of squinting and muttering they came to the conclusion that Princess Lucille was to be invited. They decided not to notify Kadar until 20 minutes before her expected arrival-they were sure they couldn't be fired, but they had begun to be concerned that Kadar would refuse to hire their sons.  
  
21 minutes before Lucille's expected arrival Kadar was at archery practice with Hachel. The youngest councilor hobbled about behind Kadar and shoved a drugged handkerchief in front of his nose. Hachel tried to catch Kadar and attack the advisor; the advisor hit the ground and Kadar landed on top of him.  
  
"Drinks at the bachelor party are on me," the councilor squeaked.  
  
"Deal," grunted Hachel as he hefted Kadar onto his shoulders. "What do you want him wearing?"  
  
12 minutes before Princess Lucille's arrival, Kadar awoke to find himself wearing elegant evening clothes. Hachel was trying to comb his hair. "I'm really sorry about this," Hachel stammered, "but I figured if I dressed you at least you wouldn't be in clothes 30 years out of style." Kadar glared up at his betrayer.  
  
3 minutes before the Princess's arrival, Kadar grudgingly walked down the grand stairs and seated himself on the throne. He was not at all in good humor.  
  
"Announcing the entourage of Princess Luc-" the herald called, but he was unable to finish her name because he collapsed into a wave of hysterical laughter. For some unknown reason, Kadar suddenly found this very amusing and began laughing uncontrollably.  
  
They shouldn't have drugged him, Hachel thought, they should have known there would be side effects. Then, Hachel found himself stifling a giggle. The giggle could be stifled for long, moments later he was rolling on the ground in an agony of mirth.  
  
The entire court, including the councilors, was in the same state as Princess Lucille walked into the throne room. She was a plump, cheerful brunette, and astonishingly enough, she didn't seem to be the least bit surprised by the behavior of the courtiers. In fact, her entire entourage was laughing as well-though they were clutching their bellies as if they found laughter painful. Lucille was the only one in the room not laughing, but she had a huge grin on her face and didn't seem to think that she was being laughed at.  
  
"Greet-" Kadar gasped, "ings", he managed to finish.  
  
"Hello," said Princess Lucille; her voice was beautiful, a heavenly blend of laughter and song. "You must be Emperor Kadar."  
  
"So sorry," Kadar wheezed between gushes of laughter. "Don't know why I've suddenly lost control like this."  
  
"Its perfectly all right," she answered. "Everyone near me always laughs; its terribly exhausting for all the servants and my family. I'm cursed you see."  
  
Kadar didn't see; without pausing in his laughter, he shot her an inquisitive glance.  
  
"Well, my fairy godmother didn't mean for it to be a curse. She was trying to help my mother who didn't have much of a sense of humor and almost never laughed. My fairy godmother thought it would be good for my parents to laugh more. So, she declared that anyone who came near me would laugh. I've never seen anyone who wasn't laughing in my entire life.  
  
"All my father's subjects come to see me when they are depressed so that they can laugh awhile and forget their troubles. I'm quite happy making people happy; but you won't want to marry me, which is why I was invited. I'll be leaving quite soon. I'm afraid I won't be staying for dinner tonight because you would be unable to stop laughing in order to eat."  
  
"I'm. terribly sorry .you came. all this way," Kadar grunted.  
  
"Oh, that's all right," she told him. "I love traveling. And besides," she winked at him, "I seem to have done your councilors a great deal of good." She had, many of the elderly councilors had been unable to stand prolonged laughter and had passed out from oxygen deprivation.  
  
Lucille, Hachel, and Kadar grinned at each other. Then Lucille waved goodbye and scurried from the room.  
  
Sign # 10 that you are a bookworm: You refuse to go anywhere without at least one book (ten or so are required for longer car trips).  
  
Thank you for reading and please review! Reviews can turn a mediocre day into a great day in 30 seconds, especially on Mondays. 


	11. Lady Bavarde

Wow! Two updates in less than a week; I guess I have finally turned enough assignments in and the teachers are too busy grading them to give me anything new. This chapter is slightly different from the others as I am headed towards the ending. Of course, the location and some of the characters belong to Tamora Pierce (Lady Bavarde does not, but if French is part of your school's torture regimen you might recognize her name.)  
  
It took several weeks for the effects of Lucille's presence to wear off completely. (A few of the councilors seemed to have been permanently effected and suffered periodic hysterical fits for the rest of their lives.) During the interval the entire palace was cheerful. Kadar and Hachel fell into spasms of laughter during archery practice. Servants giggled when they delivered the breakfast trays. Usually somber courtiers chuckled for no apparent reason. Even the camels were rumored to be in good spirits-although this may have been due to the goods spirits of the camel hands.  
  
Eventually, however, things began to return to normal and the councilors' brains once again fixated on getting Kadar married to the most sensitive princess they could find. Kadar decided it was time to take things into his own hands (perhaps Lucille had given him confidence) and he realized his own hands might have to take some desperate measures.  
  
Hence his decision to visit Lady Bavarde, the court's oldest,( she wouldn't reveal her age but most knew she was cruising towards 90), biggest, (though only 4'11 she had considerable girth and even more to say), and chattiest gossip. Lady Bavarde was rumored to know everything about everyone who was anyone and a great deal about those who weren't anyone. She frequently had returning travelers brought to her room (ostensibly "to give a poor invalid news of the world" but really to squeeze them dry of gossip before anyone else could get to them).  
  
Kadar hadn't seen her since his mother had dragged him to a terribly dull tea-party in her room sometime around his 12th birthday. Therefore, he made another decision: he would take Hachel with him for moral support-and for revenge. Kadar's plan was to stay with her and keep her talking-which shouldn't be too difficult-until she gave him a hint of one princess who was a hair more perceptive than the rest and didn't have too many obvious flaws. Then he would tell his councilor's to invite that princess. They would be glad to see he was taking an interest in marriage and he would be able to avoid more encounters with thoroughly unsuitable princesses.  
  
Kadar wiped his sweaty palms on his trousers just before the door opened. He darted into Lady Bavarde's room, pulling Hachel in with him. He found himself face to face with a pale corpulent woman wearing a hideous purple dressing gown. "Greet-" he began to say and then she cut him off.  
  
"Oh, Emperor Kadar, how kind of you to stop by and visit a poor invalid like me. You must tell me all about Princess Lucille and her entourage. I fancy her gown wouldn't have been as pretty as Princess Petunia's. But, we'll get to that later. My how you have grown so tall and handsome-only you're not quite as handsome as my husband was in his youth. Ah, well, the times have changed haven't they?" Lady Bavarde had reached the age where one can say anything, even to the Emperor, and get away with it and she was well aware of the fact.  
  
Kadar had only time to attempt a smile-it came out more like a grimace-and nod before she caught her breath and began again. This time it was an appraisal of Kadar and Hachel's apparel which ended with the conclusion that things just weren't what they used to be. Then, before Kadar could draw breath to ask her about sensitive princesses she began a tirade, asserting that the manners of young people weren't up to the old standards.  
  
Finally, it seemed that, at least for the moment, she had talked herself dry. She ordered her chambermaid-a very harassed looking young woman-to bring her a pitcher of water. Next, she ordered Kadar to describe all the princesses who had been to visit.  
  
Kadar sighed as he realized it might be hours before he could bring the subject around the way he wanted to. He hesitantly described a few princesses, expecting every instant to be interrupted by Lady Bavarde. She seemed content to listen and nod. Kadar supposed she must listen to some people some of the time in order to have things to tell people. Hachel looked like he was trying to slide off the couch and melt into the carpet.  
  
After a glass or two of water, Lady Bavarde was back in action. She gave a long speech explaining why each princess had been unsuitable in the first place and ended finally with the exclamation: "Those idiot councilors have no more sense than frogs!"  
  
Amazing, thought Kadar, we finally agree on something. But he lost his chance to pose a question because after a brief pause, Lady Bavarde began again.  
  
"I anyone had asked me," -which they hadn't, probably because they couldn't get a word in-"I could have told them which princess they ought to invite." Kadar remained motionless; he didn't dare do anything to distract her now. "If they had had any sense at all, they would have invited princess Kameko. Now there's a girl with respectable breeding and decent looks. She's tolerably well accomplished too, from what I've heard. Of course, she probably couldn't hold a candle to the ladies of my youth but she's better than most of the riff-raff you see around these days.."  
  
Kadar had heard enough. He began searching for an excuse to leave. After a few minutes he had a handful of great excuses but no way to introduce any of them because Lady Bavarde wouldn't stop talking about the ladies she had grown up with, great beauties who were currently rotting in glorious tombs all across Carthak. Hachel was shooting you-had-more-than-enough-revenge- and-now-its-my-turn looks at Kadar. Finally, he decided that he was the Emperor, in name if not in ability, and he could get up and leave if he wanted to.  
  
Lady Bavarde did not notice and continued telling her chambermaid and her walls about Lady Melyn's jewelry.  
  
Sign that you are a bookworm: If you run-I've found that about 50% of bookworms exercise regularly-you spend the time running outside planning fanfictions, or you run inside on a machine and spend the time reading instead of watching TV.  
  
Thank you for reading and please review! 


	12. Princess Kameko

Yeah for President's Day Weekend! Here's another chapter and it seems just right for Valentine's Day. Of course, the location and some of the characters belong to Tamora Pierce.  
  
Hachel gasped for air as they emerged from Lady Bavarde's stifling den. "She'd better be the one," he muttered. Kadar didn't answer; he was already running towards the council room. Hachel shrugged and shuffled along behind his friend.  
  
Kadar burst into the council room. His councilors were startled, no one ever burst into the council room; everyone always pushed the door open carefully, tiptoed in, and shut the door soundlessly behind them. Kadar glared back at all the councilors who were staring at him and dashed up to the podium before they could stop him.  
  
"As Emperor of Carthak," he shouted, "I have a proclamation to make." The councilors were stunned into silence. Hachel tiptoed through the open door and shut it soundlessly behind him.  
  
"You are not going to invite a random princess to dine in Carthak. I am going to invite Princess Kameko." The silence was broken as the councilors erupted into protest.  
  
"He doesn't have the authority to stand on the podium," shouted one councilor.  
  
"You're absolutely right," Kadar replied calmly. "I should be writing the invitation." With that, Kadar strode from the room, leaving the old men staring slack jawed at each other. Hachel hurried to his room to retrieve his plans for the bachelor party.  
  
............................................................................................................  
  
On the day of Princess Kameko's scheduled arrival, Kadar began having second thoughts. Had it really been a good idea to trust Lady Bavarde as a matchmaker? he wondered. Out of nerves, he missed several targets at archery practice. He gave up and spent the rest of the afternoon pacing in his chambers. Hachel was surprised; Kadar had never acted like this before meeting any of the other princesses. Then again, Kadar hadn't invited any of the other princesses either.  
  
Finally, it was time for Kadar to change into formal clothes (bright colors and buttons that got into everything were fashionably that week.) He scurried down to the throne room as soon as he was finished dressing.  
  
Kadar had calmed down somewhat by the time Hachel , and he appeared to be his composed and collected self once more. He sat regally in his throne as the herald announced the entrance of Princess Kameko.  
  
His composure fell away the moment Kameko entered the room. She was tall, slender, and striking, with long black air and exotic olive skin. She walked confidently to the throne and curtsied gracefully. She seemed to be alert and aware of her surroundings without appearing wary. She smiled slightly and Kadar forgot about breathing.  
  
Hachel had to throw a button at Kadar to remind him to start breathing again and speak to the princess.  
  
"W-welcome to my humble abode," Kadar stammered.  
  
Princess Kameko smiled again. "It is hardly humble. You have tiny rubies inlaid on your armrests."  
  
Kadar gasped in surprise. From the Princess's position it was nearly impossible to see the rubies. Very few courtiers noticed them.  
  
"You are welcome all the same," he replied.  
  
............................................................................................................  
  
A few hours later, Kadar joined Princess Kameko on the stairs as they proceeded down towards dinner. She had changed into a lilac gown and pulled her hair back elegantly; Kadar was sure that even Lady Bavarde would think her beautiful. As for Kadar, he was wearing even brighter colors and even more buttons.  
  
Kameko bent over and handed him one that had dropped to the ground."The cinnamon cake smells delicious," she said. "Is it for dessert?"  
  
"Yes," replied Kadar as he accepted the buton. He sniffed the air, but all he could smell was Kameko's perfume.  
  
"How did you know it's my favorite?" she asked.  
  
"um, lucky guess," muttered Kadar. She smiled and he felt as if he were melting.  
  
Dinner conversation was slightly awkward, as Kadar took long intervals to gape at Princess Kameko's face or admire her graceful use of her fork. She did her best to keep up the conversation, however, and even complimented him on putting refurbishing his chairs. "I think velvet is so much more comfortable for sitting on than silk, whatever people may say about silk sheets."  
  
A shiver ran down Kadar's spine. She's the one, he thought, no one's ever noticed that I had velvet covers put over the silk.  
  
"I take it that Lady Bavarde is your old court gossip," she said during dessert. "I hear all your courtiers complaining about her." Kadar couldn't hear anyone talking about Lady Bavarde, he couldn't make out any individual conversations at all. He pretended he could hear and launched into a humorous account of Lady Bavarde's kidnapping Lord Rinaldo to squeeze him of gossip before Lady Rinaldo could. Kameko appeared to enjoy the story and when he finished she told him of the antics of Baroness Wendelle, her own old court gossip.  
  
They said goodnight and Kadar went to bed quite confident that she would find the paper weight beneath her mattress.  
  
Princess Kameko did indeed find the paperweight. The next night she found the smaller semi-precious stone. And, the night after that she detected a large pearl.  
  
The days she spent with Kadar. In the mornings they strolled through the gardens (Princess Kameko had a great love of plants and she would frequently stop to point out herbs with special healing powers or magical properties to Kadar who was quickly developing an interest in botany himself.) In the afternoons she watched Kadar and Hachel at archery and praised their prowess. In the evenings, they danced—she wasn't clumsy or afraid of assassins—or played word games—she usually beat Kadar. Kadar slowly grew less unnerved by the fact that she often observed things no one else had noticed.  
  
Sign that you are a bookworm: You plan to polish off at listen 300 pages this weekend, though it could easily be 900 or 2,000.  
  
Thank you for reading and please—with a slice of chocolate cheesecake on top—review! (I'm not very found of maraschino cherries!) 


	13. Another Case of the Hiccups

Okay, I admit it's been months since I've updated and I don't have any good excuse for not updating immediately after A.P. Exams other than a complete lack of creative energy (or any energy for that matter.) I have made some sacrifice by writing the word atom several times after I had promised myself I wouldn't think about anything related to chemistry for months. On the bright side, I've finally come to the grand finale. I hope you enjoy it (and review it). Of course, the location and some of the characters belong to Tamora Pierce; the plot is very loosely based on a fairy tale; and the rest comes from me.  
  
A historic event happened at Kadar's afternoon meeting with his advisors. They came to an agreement in the record time of eleven minutes and forty six and a half seconds. The councilors were eager to test Kameko's abilities further, and Kadar was so confident in her abilities that he agreed to have a small emerald tucked under her mattress.  
  
"Your servants are very careless thieves," Princess Kameko told Kadar as he joined her at breakfast the next morning. "They steal precious gems and then drop them while they are making beds."  
  
Kadar shrugged awkwardly. "Finders keepers," he mumbled. And then he asked her if she was ready for a walk in the garden.  
  
Smiling, she laid her napkin down and rose in a graceful moment. "Perhaps, I will find some amethysts scattered upon the path," she teased.  
  
They found no amethysts, but Kadar picked a number of lilacs for her. She tucked them carefully into her dark, gleaming braid and she smelled of the garden for the rest of the day.  
  
At one point she paused on the path and stood stock still, gesturing to Kadar to do the same. After a moment of silence she whispered, "Hachel's coming, he has the hiccups, shall we hind behind the bush and surprise him." Her eyes twinkled mischievously.  
  
Kadar grinned devilishly in response. They both darted behind the bush and stood, shaking with the effort of suppressing their giggles. After a few seconds, Kadar heard Hachel's footsteps on the path and then, a resounding "iicc".  
  
"We are noble friends to attempt to cure him of such disgraceful hiccups," he told Kameko.  
  
"We are indeed," she whispered back.  
  
Hachel rounded the bend and let out another hiccup. Kameko gave a scream like a banshee. Hachel yelped and turned around in a circle. Kadar jumped out from behind the bush and grabbed him from behind. Hachel swooned.  
  
"Probably week from missing breakfast," Kadar remarked.  
  
Kameko nodded. "It's too bad I have a strong constitution and don't need smelling salts, otherwise I might have some to lend him."  
  
"Oh, I don't think that we'll need smelling salts," said Kadar. He was grinning delightedly and eyeing a small fountain a little ways off.  
  
Five minutes later Hachel was very wet, very awake, and very interested in the chances he would have at humiliating Kadar while he was best man at the wedding.  
  
"You needed a washing," Kameko told him. "You smelled terrible. And we've cured your hiccups at the same time."  
  
That afternoon, Hachel urged Kadar's advisors to up the ante and put something really tiny under Kameko's mattress. They decided to sprinkle gold dust under her mattress.  
  
Kadar was anxious to greet her at breakfast the next morning. He didn't dare to hope that she had found the gold dust. He sat down at the table with a lump in his throat. He stared at her expectantly for a moment, but she didn't produce a handful of gold dust. Kameko seemed perfectly composed; she speared a slice of melon with her fork and bit into it. Kadar took a bite of bread; it went dry in his mouth.  
  
"H-How did you sleep last night?" Kadar asked after he finally managed to swallow.  
  
"Well," she answered, a little puzzled, "I slept just fine, but one of your servants must have been up all night with a guilty sour stomach." She smiled and took a sip of juice before continuing. "The bottom of my mattress was coated in gold dust.  
  
The maid had forgotten to open the windows in the council room and tempers erupted violently. Kadar and some of the younger—younger being a relative term—councilors argued that Princess Kameko's sensitivity was superior to that of other princesses and there was no need to split an atom and put a subatomic particle beneath her mattress to prove it. The older (and more arthritic and conservative) councilors felt that she must detect a subatomic particle before Kadar could marry her.  
  
Inevitably, someone made the mistake of praying for a solution and the Graveyard Hag came down for a visit. Luckily for Kadar, most of the older councilors fainted from shock and those that managed to stay conscious were too cowed to argue.  
  
"You really don't want me to split an atom," the Hag snarled. "It's a messy process and there can be"—she paused a moment before articulating the next two words carefully—"unpleasant consequences." The advisors swallowed; some of them remembered that their mothers had used those exact same words before privileges were taken away. "I suggest that Kadar should propose to Princess Kameko before she gets tired of having everyone asking her how she slept and leaves."  
  
The councilors all immediately voted to have Kadar propose right away.  
  
'Very good," the Hag told them, "you're learning." And she swept out the door.  
  
Kadar followed her. "Thank you," he muttered.  
  
"You don't actually think that I'm capable of splitting an atom do you. I mean you're human but I didn't think you were stupid. There are rules even I have to obey."  
  
She disappeared with a popping sound and Kadar tore the sheepish grin off his face and ran to find Kameko.  
  
Sign that you are a bookworm: If you go on a road trip this summer, the books you pack will weigh more than your clothing( hiking boots included). Another indication is an excessively long summer reading list (not generated by your school.)  
  
Thank you for reading and please review!  
  
P.S. Hachel's bachelor party was a great success. He only tripped Kadar once at the wedding.  
  
P.P.S. Hachel was made the godfather of Kadar and Kameko's daughter, a very mischievous little girl name Katrina—Kat for short. 


End file.
